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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Heaven's Hotline: Suicide


Copyright Lia Scott Price

Heaven's Hotline: Suicide

I respond to extreme emotional pain and suicidal thoughts. Think of it as my homing beacon to those in despair. I am the reason people commit suicide. I am a mercy Killer. Why prolong your life circumstance? Are you under extreme stress? Are you emotionally upset, to the point that you plan to take your own life? I find ways to do it for you. As long, of course, as you have no hope left.

I am that little voice in your head that says "do it". You've probably heard the saying--suicide is an involuntary thought you don't "choose" to think them. They just come into your mind during times of extreme despair. Actually, it's really just my doing--my whispering into your ear. I'm such a bad guardian angel. I'm supposed to help people through their times of trouble. Screw that.

Let me give you an example of what my day was like, what I have to put up with, especially with you humans. So on any given day, I'm quite busy. I get desperate prayers from you whiners, say, 100 times a day (think several billion people of you here on Earth. It's a crappy job. And there are only so many guardian angels assigned to each of you. many of them still "in training".) It's just easier to put you all out of your misery. Cuts down on our work. Really, it does.

It's Heaven's new customer service. Because we really don't like our job. We have to listen to your problems every waking moment of our lives. It gets to us. It really does. So whatever compels someone to suicide, it's the work of their guardian angel.

First, I hear your prayers. You expect me to respond, don't you? How do I respond? Well, that really depends. It's all about finding the most convenient way to get rid of you, to get you to end your life, and of course, it requires perfect timing. For instance, a well-timed walk right into the path of an oncoming vehicle. Or a walk into the sea, if you prefer drowning. Mercy killing isn't easy. It takes a lot of convincing. I have to stand there and whisper these thoughts into your ear. It's kinda like you've called Heaven's despair hotline and I answer, and I have to listen to you vent and whine and complain about your life, and then you expect a response. A quick answer. An end to all your troubles. You expect us to constantly fix you. We're tired of it. Our job gets to us too.

I'm most receptive when you're in a church, kneeling and praying. That's when you're most vulnerable. When you pray for help. But of course, it has to be a very desperate prayer. Otherwise, it's not worth my time. That's the catch. Unless there is the sickening possibility that you have a positive attitude and you can get yourself out of the bind you're in, I'm not interested in killing you. Maybe I'll entertain you with a suicidal thought or two, but that's pretty much as far as I'll go. It's an option. I'm just sayin'. But it you're really too far gone in your depression, well, you're just a walking--make that kneeling---target.

So. here are your options: Bleeding (my favorite, because I get to cut you open and make you look like you did it yourself--stabbing, slicing your wrists, even slicing your own throat). Electrocution, (messy but not as spectacular), but seeing someone on fire is especially gratifying to me. Jumping off a cliff (easiest one. If you do hesitate, however, I will give you a little "push"). Shooting yourself. (I just suggest it. You do all the work. I prefer sharp objects). Of course, death by cop is also an option. Just wave a gun at a bunch of cops and get them to fire on you. Quite a spectacular way to go, don't you think? Hanging. (I'll teach you how to tie a good knot). Poisoning or drug overdose (I get the leftover drugs, of course!). Blowing yourself up. My personal favorite, (although much harder to do (but we'll find a way if you really want it).

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